Monday, May 14, 2007

Chapter 3: El Comandante Has Asked for a Song!

This morning I began my counter offense. As I walked passed Loki’s music stand before service after the “band” had left to consume selfishly all the remaining sausage kolaches, I gently opened his folder for service and swiftly removed a pertinent page of music. I wadded the accursed page of Praise and Worship, tossed it into the covered timpanis collecting dust and make-up residue from the Praise Hussies, and made my way to rescue a handful of Kolaches from hair gel and “dude” mafia.

This first test of saboteur proved a fruitful, one-time, water-testing event. I have dipped my cloak and dagger toe in the waters and the waters are warm!

The service began with the "4-on-the-floor" tribal thumps and asinine repitition of our churhes favorite 2 words to squawk. "Yes Lord." (I tell you, sometimes I feel as though the congregation thinks of God as a cheap one night stand.) I maintained my composure and waited. It came. It came in all its glory. When we arrived at the point of the missing page, the minister simply stopped singing and stared bewilderingly at the congregants while the band and I blazed on. He was then forced to do nothing but waive his arms for the remainder of the Song, spouting, pathetically wrong words into the microphone. As an extra bonus, the words jumbled became a tad blasphemous.

The “pianist” tried in vain to cue him with an overemphasis on the Melody that could have been heard by Helen Keller but nothing worked. To this baboonery I made my Grande entrance riding my trusty steed Elizabeth. I opened Elizabeth’s pipes full throttle to draw attention away from the bumbling Loki with the melody of a Bach Choral ingeniously juxtaposed over the goofy P & W song. I finished the last Chord of the chorus and held it an extra 4 seconds, all the while noticing in my peripheral the minister trying in vain to cut me off with a snake-like cue. For a moment he looked like he was putting on a dramatic hand-puppet show.

The bell rang and Herbert returned to his corner invigorated and without a scratch.


Anonymous said...

That's. Frickin'. Brilliant.

Bravo, sir. Vive la resistance!

Flannery Alden said...

Score one, for Sir Herbert!


Mz Jackson said...

Herbert, you devil! How did you ever dare? Your courage is most inspiring.

Anonymous said...

Good sir, sometimes the very simplest attacks 'pon thine enemy work the very, very best!!