Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Verbal Fist of Herbert

Hello, dear reader. I must apologize. It has been a long hard road to get to the crossroads for which I now stand. But here I stand again - at the end of a long and heated legal battle that would rival the witch burnings led by the profanest of all theologian/dictators, John Calvin. (Good Lord, just seeing the name chills me to my stupendous bones.)

Alas, I am bound by the chains of modern law to disclose anymore of my accounts, due to the handsome settlement that was... ahem... deposited into an account of a patrician Clydesdale stud-of-a-man with the initials, H.S.C. (Wink, wink) Let's just say... "Good days are ahead for that handsome aristocrat with the initials, H.C.S.

So, instead of leaving this blog, heretofore "high and dry," as, I believe, the common folk of Oklahoma say, I have decided to partake in a bitterly wonderful commentary upon society as we know it.

Warning: I will be telling things like they are, or "like they is" as the jive-talking comedians say. In other words, I will be speaking things the way "normal" people want to hear them spoken. People need to stop telling lies. Everyone knows that fat and ugly people populate the isles of Wal-mart, but why does no one say so?

Everyone knows that caucasian voters are scared to death that something will happen to Obama whether or not he is elected. God lord, am I the only one who saw that white woman get her head bashed in with a brick over the Rodney King incident?

Everyone knows that most freshly immigrated Chinese people are horrible drivers. Everyone knows that white men are all insecure about the size of their "manliness." Everyone knows that most white protestants in America act like faux-oppressed baffoons! Everyone knows that most Athiests are a bunch of crybabies who, in their adolescence, got their feelings hurt by some backwoods church-youth-pastor, because of their interest in chemistry or biology or butterflies and how they got so pretty.

Everyone knows that we (the tried-and-true Star Wars fans) all wanted Jar Jar Binks to roast under the fire of a Sith Light-saber, and that George Lucas only grows a beard to cover the absence of a chin, and that Hayden pretty-boy was as fit to be Darth Vader as George W. Bush is to play Hamlet.

See, see! You have already be roused! It is your conscience speaking through your layers of denial and your denial is fighting back, viscously! Not to fear, O hidden conscience of my gentle reader, over time, I shall liberate you.

From henceforth, I will wail the Anthem of the poor, oppressed, the marvelous and mighty. It won't be pretty at times, but it will be the truth. Oh truth, oh neglected muse, oh desperately needed medicine our our age... I, Herbert, do serve thee faithfully.

Yes, YES! I will become your commentator on life, film, politics, the church (little "c," meaning protestant) and whatever else makes my raucous buttocks pucker.

So, hear ye, hear ye, this blog shall not be genteel to those who live in doubt, for those who live in fear, for those who live in denial. This blog shall be a flaming finger of truth, carving out what others won't say, upon the immeasurable wall of the cyber expanse.

Maybe someday, if things change legally, (and I am working towards that) I will tell the tale of the brave Sherpa who risk his brown little life to ratify me down the dangerous mountain from where I had been worshiped as a trapped deity. I'll tell of my thunderous return, of Loki and his lawyer-friend-cronies and how they tried to lure me with prostitutes-posing-as-Wagnerian-opera-Valkyries, (my one true sexual weakness, besides my beloved Esmarelda, and, dare I say it, my Elizabeth.) Someday I'll tell you of how I crushed the opposition with my iron, noble and kingly paw... but for now, the law is, as they say, "the law."

Stay tuned. The social lashing shall commence shortly...