Friday, April 27, 2007

Crotch: The Noble Name (Interlude)

I will only post on the following topic one time and one time only. My last name seems to be cause for much discussion. I admit, it has a certain conversational allure, but it is indeed a “real” last name and I would entreat you to honor it as such. I cannot abide nor will I continue my chronicles if I am to be taunted by such infantile emails. One reader wrote: “So, Herb, what is your favorite part of Sunday, playing with your ORGAN or scratching your CROTCH? Hahahahahaha… More cowbell lardass!!!”

To which I replied: “Dear child of this vile and insolent culture. Your attempt at humor is astoundingly oafish and common. I will spare you the verbal lashing you deserve because you were probably born out of wedlock and spawned by wormy and defiled “ORGANS” yourself. You therefore cannot be blamed for you hopeless and nauseating ignorance. No, you cannot be blamed for the primordial gene pool from whence you crawled out of on all fours, licking the air with your forked tongue searching for your mama. OR from the possible reptilian anus from which you were dropped and hatched.

I will however take the time to educate you, knowing good and well it will all be in vain. So, put down your twinkie-crusted Nintendo controller, or take a break from playing with your inherited, underdeveloped testicle and be taught! The name Crotch happens to be English and I happen to be the great, great, great, great, nephew of the famed and tragically underrated Baroque composer, ORGANIST, and painter William Crotch. It is a noble and proud family name. I guess you didn’t read about the investigation I am doing on a possible link to the English monarchy… I cannot blame your literary deficiency when the largest sentences you probably read during the week are “Peel here.” Or “Shake well.” Or “You must be 18 to enter this site.” In any case…

Your attempt at humor has been noted by the committee for the verbally retarded and your scores are quite low. Consider yourself warned. Now, you may return to your video games or the Clearasil applications to the swollen pimples on your own unwashed CROTCH.”

H. S. C.


Flannery Alden said...

You tell him, Herbert!

Mz Jackson said...

Herbert, methinks thou dost protest too much. Thou soundest quite crotchedy today, no pun intended of course.

Herbert S. Crotch said...

I am somewhat suspicious of your "no pun intended" and I am placing you on probation.

However, you did pick up on somewhat of a sensitive spot with me. No doubt you might have guessed that I have gone through quite a bit throughout the years with a challenging name such as Crotch. But, it has sharpened my wit, fanned the flame of my character, moved me to pour out my soul on the organ rather than through violence, and made me the food connoisseur that I am today.

Still casting my suscpicious, steely blue-green eye your direction.

Dr. Schmedley said...

It is truly refreshing and glorious to find one such as yourself. You are all that is left of the backbone in this spineless generation of church musicians. I assume you are part of the predestinate church...(had I known how bad it would get I would have not followed my father, and my father's father's footsteps to the predestinate church.) I must admit the Catholic church does much better with music, but even they are beginning to fall just like Rome.

Dr. Schmedley said...

I meant we are all that is left. WE! and those very few like us. pardon the extra words I have left here. I made a mistake. One which I will be careful not to repeat again!

Dr. Schmedley

Herbert S. Crotch said...

Dr., I am not sure I understand you but you sound quite desperate! I can sympathize. There are others like us who are suffering the same fate but take heart young lion!

As long as we stay true to our organs we will prevail.

Is that an old pumper btw? It looks restored. A beauty from the looks.

MamasBoy said...

"I must admit the Catholic church does much better with music, but even they are beginning to fall just like Rome."

Beginning to fall? Baby, the organ and reverence in liturgical music went right out the window with good catechesis and fidelity to the magisterium in the 60's/70's. In my estimation it is beginning to see a rebound among the youth whose faith is more than nominal. A high schooler at my parish organized a special choir to sing the Pange Lingua for the Holy Thursday mass this year, which is a great sign. I have to wonder, though, how much of the rich heritage can be recovered? Is a learned culture as rich as an inherited culture? Will it ever gain enough steam to make good music commonly available again? Who's even still alive to teach kids to play the d@#$ organ after skipping a generation?

A few years after converting, I was blessed to be a part of a parish that actively used an organ and some traditional hymns while attending grad school in Cincinnati. It was a disappointment to move away and not find such a thing in my current metro. I felt so spoiled for awhile, not just because it was beautiful, but because it was very singable by the average musically illiterate engineer like me. Also, to sing the same Greek Kyrie Eleison that both East and West have sung for century upon century upon century (since about the time of the NT canon, maybe before) brought to life for me the description of Christianity as 'ever ancient, ever new'. The mercies of God are new every morning, but the concept is as ancient as the faith itself.

There I go again. Sorry (kind of) for the rant.


Rob said...

Welcome to blogland good organmeister. I hope it contains all that you seek.

As far as the moniker goes, I suspect there are many who feel your pain. Take Chuck Swindol, for example (what a last name for a preacher), or even my own appellation in its shortened form. Does it reflect character or purpose? I think not!

In music I fear we may perchance conflict as I am solidly in the 60s folk crowd. By way of an olive branch of sorts I'll offer the notion that music is God's "mother tongue." We are never closer to him than when we sing, and it seems that the years have a way of culling our the poorer music leaving only the gold.

Mz Jackson said...

Herr Crotch, has anyone ever mentioned that you look a bit like the dastardly monarch, Henry VIII? The resemblence is uncanny!

Herbert S. Crotch said...

Yes, yes they have and I am beginning to wonder if you and her aren't the same minx!

You don't play the harpsichord or viola da gamba by chance do you?...

Henry was a great but misguided man. He could not control his libido and was plagued with unfaithful tramps for wives. It seems to be my plight as well, which leads me further to believe of our linkage in ancestry.

The Stan said...

ALLEGED unfaithfulness, my friend. Your ancestor's libido invented the charge so he could marry his latest fancy...whereupon his soon-to-be ex-wife lost everything from the neck up.

Sorry to burst your bubble...but please don't go separating your ex-fiancee's head from the rest of her body! It would be terribly impolite.

operamom said...

your brilliance leaves me speechless.

Herbert S. Crotch said...

Exuuuuuse me? For your information, history is written by those who are only interested in happy endings for the U.S,, "finding the English villain" and then lynching him. Meanwhile, making total bloodthirsty, murdering bisexuals like Columbus look like the Captain America.

Henry was just like any other man endowed with too much power and sex appeal.

I tell you, it is difficult to tame the lion once it is unleashed and desired.

From the looks of your blog, you wouldn't know this. You look like you are poised to defile yourself at any moment.

Please sir, think past what your balding, mongoloid-high-school-coach/history teacher taught you before you attempt to instruct a superior mind.

However, I will agree that beheading one's woman is evil business indeed.

Herbert S. Crotch said...

Operamama, I ADORE you.

You may call me friend forever!

The Stan said...

Well...perhaps I should bow to your assumed "superior mind." After all, you are descended from a minor composer no one has ever heard of...even most musicians!

And, of course, you're a musician...not only that you're an organist. Obviously you must have intelligence beyond compare. Musicians have always been regarded for their superior intellect.

Plus, because of your size...and ego...your head is obviously larger than most. So perhaps there's room in there for more brain.

So perhaps I should concede your point. Point taken.

Anonymous said...

Friend!! Were I not so taken with the Grape of the Vine I wold maketh henceforth some snappy comment re: the lack of tempered claviers within thine universe, but alas, alack! I laketh the power thensewithin to bespoil the ridiculousness of those whom whom pipes are stoppard for they reach not their fullest potential....

or... SOEMTHING like that. My bestest buddy spent many a summer assisting the organ tuner of the Outdoor Organ of Chitaqua, and at one point I learned a great deal about this fine organ, not related therewithin to anyone's CROTCH.... I like this shit and I'm laughin' on the inside if not the out, so keep it up!!!